Extreme Mothering

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In celebration of the 100th Anniversary of Mother’s Day, I’m gathering examples of excessive, embarrassing parenting that nonetheless demonstrate our DEVOTION. Where have you gone over the cliff with your kids?

Here’s where I’ve swerved off the road:

In carrying my 10-year-old: “Carry Me downstairs, ” he begs. I oblige, down to breakfast, teetering on the landing, almost dropping him. He won’t be asking for encores anytime soon.

In carrying concealed weapons: I pocket a knife, at all times, on the ready to peel apples for the spoiled six-year-old.

In providing 4 spoons at mealtime: because it’s germy to eat breakfast with any fewer.

In lugging 8 shopping bags of kiddie yogurts and apples on sale 10 blocks home from the C-town.

In sticking synthetic hairballs to the sides of my head and trick-or-treating as Princess Leia with midget Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker.

In cutting up scrambled eggs for the six-year-old:

“Mommy you didn’t cut up my scrambled egg!”

“Use the side of your fork, sweetheart.”

“NO! YOU do it! “

and I do.. sigh..

Where have you gone to extremes in loving your kids?

  • Do you cut the crusts off sandwiches?

  • Do you tie shoe laces other than your own?  

  • Do you rush to the ER for a bad cold?

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To all you moms who are public embarrassments to your children, who are still doing for them what they should be doing for themselves, give yourself a hug this Mother’s Day. Give your own mom a hug. Get a hug from your kids, if you can, in private if that’s the only way they’re willing.

Forest Flowers

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When was the last time you took a nature walk?  Traded your city sandals for Tevas and stepped out for a small stroll with mama nature? Dropping 40 bucks to scale artificial rock walls at Brooklyn Boulders doesn’t count. This is not an indoors endurance test of you, ridiculous in harness and climbing shoes, chalk on your hands and face.   This is a lakeside walk beside the Boathouse in Prospect Park, or a day trip to Bear Mountain, or a tour around a town reservoir in Westchester.  Just so long as there’s a hint of green and an absence of Hatzolah Volunteer Ambulances. At the end of the day, the worst injury you sustain: a blister or a bug bite.  

As a New Yorker you are already a walker: to the bank, the barber, the bodega, the bakery, the cobbler, the hardware store, the tailor, the pharmacy, the spice shop, the scented oil shop, the school, the subway, and Junior’s 99cents store (You gotta love Junior’s. You just can’t discount the emotional fix provided by a new palm leaf pattern plastic tablecloth). Life decisions in Kensington are determined by alternate side parking regulations. You don’t surrender your spot without damn good reason.  Instead you walk.  If there’s a haul involved, you take the shopping cart. Walking is purposeful, destination-driven and you always return home trawling a full net: dry cleaning, jugs of milk, and whiny first-graders.

So surely you can appreciate the treat it was for me to spend an afternoon over spring break with my sons and their cousin blazing a small section of the Appalachian trail without purpose or packages.  Just three little boys and me, venturing forth through a cowfield in Vernon, New Jersey.  

Volunteers improve our lives in so many ways. For one thing, they maintain miles of boardwalk over wetlands on this historic trail snaking from Maine to Georgia.  The boys picked walking sticks and we were on our way.  It was a mild day.  A mallard couple drifted among the cattails. A bullfrog sat in the muck, under the boardwalk, unblinking, no matter how many spitballs we leaned over the planks and hurled his way. Nature’s palette in early April favors washes of greys and taupe. Soon the forsythia and mountain laurel would leaf out in gold and purple,  but that afternoon only the dull evergreen of native cedars broke up the browns.  

With boys threatening to outgrow me by year’s end, frequent snack stops were required. Leaning against a white birch, munching peeled eggs with crazy salt, I noticed my first flower. It was unremarkable. Pale, low-lying, easy to miss.  Maybe a distant relative to an Easter lily? I bent down. No scent. Couldn’t be an Easter lily. Didn’t smell like a funeral home.  

At the next snack stop, as the boys picked out what they liked from the trail mix: peanuts, sunflower seeds, chocolate covered raisins, I noticed my second flower. This one also, low to the ground,  a small lavender star with a yellow stamen. A far cry from those showy staples of spring: daffodils and Dutch tulips.   Then I noticed another, and another.  All puny and pastel, but together they whispered: winter is over, beauty is underfoot.

Back in Brooklyn now, as my feet return to their duty-driven paths, the forest flowers bloom anew.   Their delicacy and soft-spoken promise of renewal tremble in my mind’s eye as I stop at the fruit stand and inspect the underside of a carton of cut-rate strawberries.  Mushy. I’ll pass. I bump into our old mailman whose route was changed. He smiles widely and asks after my senior poodle, who always gave him a hard time. It occurs to me that forest flowers may take human form.

Returning home with a crate of mangoes, a little girl clacks down the block in her big sister’s high-heeled slippers. She is so pretty in her awkwardness… her pointy elbows, pointy slippers, like the points of a star flower. As I turn into my dooryard, my neighbor, who speaks about six words of English, smiles at me and tilts her head in that special way.  Later, I catch my child alone, admiring his chess trophies. The mailman, the little girl, my neighbor, my son.  They cheer me.  You have to look for them, the forest flowers in your day, but they are there, on your dark as well as your bright days.  Every single day.  Get low to the ground. Pay attention.   

Before me peaceful,

Behind me peaceful,

Under me peaceful,

Over me peaceful,

All around me peaceful…

- Navajo Indian

from The Family of Man,  a favorite 1960s coffee table book, 503 pictures from 68 countries, created by Edward Steichen for MOMA, with a prologue by Carl Sandburg. Check it out.

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Choices

Hello Busy Subscribers!

I’ve been reflecting on time management this week. You know that satisfaction of hopping on the B train just as the doors close on your backside? “YES!” You made it. Just in time. In fact, it’s a timing coup: no missed train, yet no time wasted on the platform either. This is how I live my life lately, jumping to appointments like hopping subway cars. I’m always optimizing time, intolerant of unproductive moments—impatient to the point of a diagnosable disorder no doubt. Okay, you’re probably more chill than me, but I assume your days are still much like mine, packed with obligation, enrichment and recreation. So I want to start off this week with a huge THANK YOU for:

  1. subscribing to my blog,
  2. not yet unsubscribing,
  3. opening my posts and (more or less) making it through them. 

This makes Post #17 in the new year. That’s a lot for you and me... and a lot has been falling by the wayside because of it. I’ve been making different choices lately:

Choice A  OR  Choice B

  • write my blog OR change out the boys’ winter wardrobe for summer shorts
  • write my blog OR rout out size 6 underwear from the 10-year-old’s skivvies drawer
  • read someone else’s blog OR make homemade applesauce
  • write my blog OR clean out the china cabinet
  • peruse Pinterest boards OR clean out the kitchen drawer
  • follow friends on Twitter OR scrub the shower curtain liner
  • plant bulbs in public spaces OR sew buttons on shirts
  • write my blog OR give myself a sloppy pedicure
  • try a radical recipe for ground turkey OR wash out the garbage cans
  • write my blog OR clean the microwave
  • write my blog OR fold laundry
  • read someone else’s newsletter OR match mittens and socks
  • join a book club OR clean out the car
  • do a set of push-ups OR dust the blinds
  • write my blog OR sleep
  • I’ve been favoring A over B these days…. overlooking the gummy corners of the kids’ mouths and the kitchen floor. Slacking on changing sheets. The pots and the poodle go unwashed.

The daily must-dos are enough for me these days. It’s enough to slide supper on the table, correct homework, sign school trip permission slips, enforce piano practice.

When the kids finally nod off, column B beckons, but I’ve been plugging the ear buds into the MacBook, raising the volume on my iTunes The Cure radio station, and going for A

I LOVE choosing A and I’m managing the consequences…

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What are your housekeeping shortcuts?  

Here are 3 of mine:

1. Clorox wipes by every toilet.

2. Dressing from the clean laundry basket.

3. Dim lighting.

One area I don’t take nearly enough shortcuts: the stovetop. But that’s my choice too. I still love to cook. When a 5lb bag of last October’s Macintosh apples scans at $2.99 in April, it’s time to make applesauce, and screw the blog. Homemade applesauce is worth the effort.

What’s worth your effort these days?

Old Goat!

When the boys toddled around, weighed down by infrequently changed Pull-Ups, and still occasionally now, we stop by the barn at the Prospect Park Zoo. Spend enough time in petting zoos and you will A) lose your mind B) contract an animal-borne illness because you neglected to use the hand sanitizer provided or C) gain valuable insights into human nature. (A and C so far for me).

Insert 2 quarters, dial up a palmful of compressed hay pellets and head for the pens. That’s my limit by the way: 50 cents worth of family fun and slobber. If they want more, I make the boys scrounge for fallen kibble. I think they like this part best, down in the dirt. If I could get away with it, I would sneak the wooly beasts heels of bread, but there are docents milling about. Feeding gluten-rich crusts to domesticates and water fowl is a big no-no. Even if I get around the docents, my boys know this no-no and are the worst enforcers. They would turn me over to the rangers in bermuda shorts in a little boy heartbeat. But I’m just not convinced Tom Turkey’s gizzard will explode if he pecks at an organic crumb of pumpernickel, priced at $4.39 per loaf.

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Ever try to feed a Cotswold sheep with a goat standing by? Guess who gets the pellet from your palm?  Goat muzzles out sheep every time. As a kid, my favorite sculpture in the MOMA garden was Picasso’s She-Goat, a sway back, proud, pregnant goat with enormous teats. No coincidence there. Picasso strikes me as a randy, bearded billy. I love Picasso and I love goats, with their weird vertical iris, asymetrical markings and endearingly insistent natures. I love how they frisk up to the fence with a “Wassup?” Makes my day.

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It was in watching this bully billy, on a recent Sunday afternoon, that my barnyard epiphany hit me:  the personalities we attribute to individual animal species can be reduced to single traits. Sheeps are sheepish, lions are leontine, and goats are, well, rascally, old goats. True to their natures, this old goat muscled out Mary’s little lamb, who backed away without a bleat. Yet here’s the crazy thing: this Noah’s ark of personality traits that manifest individually in our furry, scaly and feathered friends, floats within our single species. Homo sapiens exhibit a wild range of disposition, from self-effacing sheep to proud peacocks, from faithful dogs to fickle felines, stealthy scorpions to stupid asses. Zookeepers who dish out yams daily in the baboon habitat may rightly object to my generalization, pointing out that there are braggarts as well as cowards within this old world monkey family. Yet hide for hide, kittens are basically skittish, wolves wolf down their dinner, and baboons bear teeth, flaunt red butts and generally monkey around.

Ask yourself: why are humans so different, one from the next? Why are your kids so different? Why aren’t we all bearish or dovelike? My spin? Just another example of an inscrutable intelligence at work. It takes all types and a breadth of talents, to fill the jobs that keep this planet spinning. We need them all, the goats and sheep, wolves and owls, and especially the doves. (We can lose the slumlord cockroaches). I know God exists because for every job on this planet there is someone to do it. Some kids actually want to grow up to be phlebotomists. They see the reward of painlessly puncturing a hidden vein. Or how about offensive linemen? Plenty of boys want to grow up to be knocked down, again and again.

I have experienced God’s perfect floor plan first-hand at the American Museum of Natural History:

5th fl: arachnologists and entomologists corral tarantulas and stinkbugs
(astrophysicists are off in their own orbit)
4th-3rd fls: curators and exhibition crew build temporary shows
3rd-1st fls: finance, education, development & HR departments are tucked away behind permanent exhibits. Gift shop workers sell field guides and lava lamps
lower level: cafeteria workers and custodians serve it up and clean it up

And tourists everywhere. Eurotrash in expensive loafers pound the marble floors to see sulfide chimneys and duck-billed dinos. In its third century of existence, the museum swims along in its talent pool, a cultural triumph, a self-sustaining tourist trap.

I just gotta believe there’s a divine intelligence sparking the solar plexus of each individual, igniting our passions, guiding our vocations. The crossing guards ferry our children across 4 lanes of traffic, the entertainers lighten our load, the philosophers and shrinks make sense of it all. It’s not our superior intellect that gives us the edge over those that creep, cantor, fly or swim. It’s our varied temperaments that define our success as a species. The next time you find yourself in a room full of personalities, at a cocktail party, or PTA meeting, remember this: where would we be without the goats and the sheep and everything in between?

careers for goats:

  • mayor of an urban mecca
  • Food Network celebrity chef
  • paramedic
  • butcher
  • graffiti artist
  • rocket scientist
  • romance novelist
  • offensive tackle
  • NASCAR racer
  • baseball manager of an urban mecca
  • ambulance chaser
  • fashion designer
  • plastic surgeon
  • WWF smackdown superstar
  • power/ashtanga yoga or zumba instructor

careers for sheep:

  • mayor of a small, homogenous town
  • vegan chef on public television’s Create Channel
  • mortician
  • independent, family farmer practicing humane animal husbandry
  • origami artist
  • rocket scientist
  • business writer
  • distance runner
  • golf cart driver/caddy
  • baseball manager of a single-A franchise
  • real estate attorney
  • quilter
  • neurosurgeon
  • restorative yoga instructor

animal adjectives to describe humans:

  • antsy
  • batty
  • bovine
  • buggin’
  • bullheaded
  • bullish
  • dogged
  • dovish
  • feline
  • foxy
  • hawkish
  • horsey
  • mousy
  • mulish
  • piggish
  • sheepish
  • sluggish
  • sphynx-like
  • squirrely
  • wolfish

animal nouns to describe humans:

  • ass!
  • chicken liver!
  • horses’ ass!
  • little monkey
  • louse!
  • minx
  • old goat!
  • pig!
  • rat fink!
  • shark
  • snake in the grass….
  • swine!
  • tiger!
  • turkey!
  • vermin!

animal verbs to describe humans:

  • badger
  • crane
  • goose
  • hawk
  • lark

Support

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To defend against the fireballs launched daily at our vulnerable walls, these are some buttresses that keep the building standing…

The Usual Supports:

  • family
  • friends
  • therapists (psychiatrists, analysts, shrinks, witch doctors)
  • spiritual advisors (priests, ministers, rabbis, imams, gurus, senseis)
  • psychics (soothsayers, astrologists)
  • bartenders
  • 12-step programs
  • self-help books
  • praise music
  • spirituals
  • Bach
  • bubble baths
  • televangelists
  • vitamin supplements
  • furry pets

and here are...

The Less Usual Supports:

  • ex-bosses (the ones we left on good terms with)
  • ex-boyfriends
  • mothers-in-law
  • sisters-in-law
  • hairdressers
  • barbers
  • manicurists
  • Zumba teachers
  • tailors
  • cobblers
  • auto mechanics
  • supermarket cashiers
  • letter carriers
  • disco
  • techno
  • tech support teams at the Soho Apple Store
  • department store make-up artists
  • guided meditation
  • Tom & Jerry cartoons
  • chewing gum
  • non-furry pets

God defies categorization. She manifests in all these.

Tap into whatever supports keep your citadel upright until the fireballs burn out. You can also counterattack with buckets of hot oil.

Did any special supports of yours go unmentioned? Leave a comment so we can pool our wisdom!

Promise

Step outside. Look up. The trees are still bare, the branches unchanged.  Not quite. The tree tops are swelling at their tips. Getting ready.

A child, looking out the window at a snow sky is getting ready too.

A runner at the starting line of the New York Marathon: on her mark.

A crocus pushing up through the earth.

A first kiss.

A child, placing a plate of cookies beside an empty stocking on Christmas Eve.

A roast turkey, just pulled from the oven.

Anticipation of something good to come. This, in itself, is a gift.

What promise does the closed bud hold for you?

It was a punishing winter. Happy spring!

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Healthy Hoarding

Picture this: a low-ceiling cellar and 4 walls lined with storage shelving. The shelves are stuffed with: kidney-shaped hospital bed pans, vases from FTD floral arrangements huge pickle jars of duck and soy sauce packets.  Add gallon Ziplocs of medicine dispensing cups, travel-size shampoos and mouth wash.  Throw in, say, 19  gunky-eyed kitties snaking the legs of a de Kooning abstraction of beat up lawn furniture in the center of the floor.

No, this is not my cellar.

Now picture this: a low-ceiling cellar, a clear expanse of indoor/outdoor carpet, and one shelving unit. A bag of unopened cat litter sits under the slop sink, purchased in the hopes of soon adopting one clear-eyed kitty. The shelves are crowded with: chinese take out containers (the “bad” plastic,) styrofoam containers, leaning towers of pizza boxes. Also: aluminum lasagna pans, cardboard cake boxes, lightly used Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts cups, and a rabble of unmatched Tupperware and lids.  Oh and gift bags: Happy Birthday, Happy Purim, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy New Year,  folded and stored, holiday-ready.

This is my cellar.  Is there a difference?  I think so.

One riotous storage unit in an otherwise manageable basement. Not bad.

My clutter represents short-term, healthy hoarding. Healthy hoarding is saving stuff with the concrete intention of repurposing it. It’s the middle “R” in Reduce, Reuse, Recyle.  I mostly hoard packaging, packaging that has several more lives to live--like me.  I can’t get myself to toss a styrofoam clamshell that only housed undressed iceberg lettuce. Alas there’s not room enough for clamshells in the kitchen storage bench (already home to a family of paper bags) so down the stairs the styro goes, to be wedged between baby food jars and balled up Shoprite plastic bags.  But the clamshell will come back up soon, be filled with meatloaf and mash and depart with a dinner guest.  

Unhealthy hoarding, by contrast, is collecting stuff you’ll never use, for no good reason. Unhealthy hoarding fills subconscious needs; provides the salve to unspoken wounds of childhood. But hey, I’m only guessing.  I’m not going there. Google it yourself

Two other robust hoarding habits I proudly practice: composting and old clothing collection.

I amass food scraps, and, because I cook, that amounts to pounds of peelings, parings, egg shells, and coffee grounds, lots of coffee grounds. Every week.  Luckily, I’ve got Compost 4 Brooklyn nearby, a community composting project.

Darning died alongside his evil twin, ironing. I don’t do either anymore.  Holey socks and T-shirts wth split seams go straight into a tattered pillowcase, bound for the clothing recycling bin at any Sunday farmers’ market. Plastic produce bags of potato peels and a laundry bag of long underwear with spent elastic, I co-habitate comfortably with these, along with my passion for packaging.

Why do I do it? Hoarding down to a single square of paper toweling?  (BTW, did you know a Bounty that shines a mirror, will then beautifully mop up the piddle of an incontinent 15-year-old poodle?) I do it because of the black and white film, still looping in the prefrontal cortex, of bulldozers pushing pyramids of garbage: trash = landfill. And setting the right example for my kids. There’s that too.  My boys are Pavlov’s pups when it comes to peeling tangerines. They frisk straight to the ceramic crock next to the sink to off their rinds. Kids follow their mommies leads, good and bad, don’t they? Mine will likely grow up cursing like former New York City Council Speaker Christine Quinn,  but golly, they won’t ever throw an apple core in a garbage can!

FEAR

what I fear:

  • elevators that stop between floors
  • rejection
  • meter maids
  • missing bill payments
  • loving too much
  • finance fees
  • disappointing my parents (still)
  • retirement fund statements
  • disappointing my kids
  • annual reports
  • knee injury
  • making big decisions
  • being alone with a box of powdered donuts
  • fundamentalism
  • bed bugs
  • humorless people
  • Martha Stewart craft projects
  • aiming too high
  • aiming too low
  • spreadsheets
  • getting:
    • 1. old
    • 2. sick
    • 3. infirm
  • Dying
  • losing friendships
  • dull knives
  • losing opportunities
  • and I REALLY fear feeding my six-year-old:

Me: “You haven’t been eating your oatmeal lately William.
Is Mommy making it wrong? How would you like me to make it?”

William: “Mommy, make the oatmeal. Then sweeten it by not using sugar. (?)
Then add chocolate chips and bake it. “(?)
Me: “Bake it?”

William: “Put it in there.” (pointing to microwave)

Me (serving it up): “Do you still want a bowl of brown sugar on the side?”

nod

William (heaping brown sugar into his bowl, patting it down, tasting): “Brown sugar mixed with chocolate mixed with oatmeal doesn’t taste that good. I’m full.”

what I fear but face anyway:

  • spreadsheets
  • disappointing my parents
  • social media
  • disappointing my children
  • driving on superhighways with kids and no snacks
  • making big decisions
  • baking soufflés
  • bungee jumping
  • cleaning artichokes
  • rejection
  • cleaning the cavities of raw chickens
  • Martha Stewart craft projects
  • losing opportunities

what/who I don’t fear:

  • needles
  • spiders
  • sharp knives
  • food processors
  • the left lane
  • the dark
  • dogs
  • people whose job it is to serve the public (politicians)
  • people whose job it is to protect me (police)
  • people whose job it is to cure me (doctors)
  • people whose job it is to fix my computer (IT)
  • people whose job it is to fill my spiritual needs (priests/ministers/rabbis/imams/gurus)
  • steep sledding hills
  • roller coasters
  • Martha Stewart
  • a good cry

This morning, I got it right. William ate his oatmeal. Face your fear.

Soufflé Au Fromage
courtesy of Mastering the Art of French Cooking
by Julia Child, Louisette Bertholle, Simone Beck

This recipe follows seven pages of mandatory reading on soufflé engineering. Skip them and risk your soufflé falling flat.